As Ellie creeps, well runs, toward her first birthday, I am finding myself dealing with all sorts of new feelings. Pride, excitement, a little sadness, and one I didn't expect... Grief. I realize that I have been grieving for the baby I will never hold again. Believe me, I know how lucky I am to have a perfect child. She is ahead of the curve developmentally and I wouldn't wish it any other way. But at one year, it really hits home how quickly babyhood passes.
And as much as I love and adore the child she is becoming, I miss my baby! I wanted to write everything she did down, but what new mother has time for that? And now I feel like I may be forgetting things. There was a little face she would make when she was newborn that I could never quite capture on camera. Now I know I'll never see it again. It is heart wrenching.
I feel selfish feeling this way. There are women who want children and don't have them. There are mothers who have lost children. I know that this feeling cannot compare to their grief. But it is grief just the same.
How can I deal with the sense of loss as she grows more and more independent? The last thing I want is to stifle that in her. I also don't want to miss what is happening right now because I'm too busy mourning what I won't see again. It's such a balancing act.
I guess I just have to take a cue from Ellie and live for the moment at hand as much as I possibly can.
Your last sentence is the answer, the secret, the one and only way, to handle the "time" issue. And it is precisely the definition of living. The more you are present in the moment, the less 'grief' you will experience, because you'll know you are doing your best, and that is all you can do. Ellie is a gift from God, but also she is a little teacher and will teach you more about yourself and life, then any other one thing! You are a wonderful mommy Rhiannon! I Love you
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