As Ellie creeps, well runs, toward her first birthday, I am finding myself dealing with all sorts of new feelings. Pride, excitement, a little sadness, and one I didn't expect... Grief. I realize that I have been grieving for the baby I will never hold again. Believe me, I know how lucky I am to have a perfect child. She is ahead of the curve developmentally and I wouldn't wish it any other way. But at one year, it really hits home how quickly babyhood passes.
And as much as I love and adore the child she is becoming, I miss my baby! I wanted to write everything she did down, but what new mother has time for that? And now I feel like I may be forgetting things. There was a little face she would make when she was newborn that I could never quite capture on camera. Now I know I'll never see it again. It is heart wrenching.
I feel selfish feeling this way. There are women who want children and don't have them. There are mothers who have lost children. I know that this feeling cannot compare to their grief. But it is grief just the same.
How can I deal with the sense of loss as she grows more and more independent? The last thing I want is to stifle that in her. I also don't want to miss what is happening right now because I'm too busy mourning what I won't see again. It's such a balancing act.
I guess I just have to take a cue from Ellie and live for the moment at hand as much as I possibly can.
